By Lisa S. Tarno

The question within the question would be does the feeling of loathing, extreme dislike, or disgust negate the reality of actually forgiving someone? Some may legalistically say that our feelings would betray us and we never truly forgave….is that true? Some may say that our feelings are our feelings absent of moralistic definitives and a result of what happens to us and how we process. I tend to fall in the latter camp of thinking. 

Funny story, my husband once confronted me about not forgiving someone in my life yet. I vehemently disagreed and went on and on how I had and did the heart work and reading and studying and even counseling. How could he know what my heart did or did not do? I thought he was being very judgmental and acting all superior like he had an inside track into my head and heart. I further pontificated the years of hard work journaling and processing all the crap that ensued and how DARE he cross examine me…. To which he asked, “Then why do you have a plant in front of their picture?” Gulp! 

Which brings me to this question, can we forgive someone and still feel disgust for them? Well let’s define “disgust”: verb (used with object): 1. To cause loathing or nausea in. 2. To offend the good taste, moral sense, etc. of; cause extreme dislike or revulsion in. Noun: 3. A strong distaste; nausea; loathing. 4. Repugnance caused by something offensive; strong aversion. (Dictionary App) Check, check, check and check! Yep, I still feel all these things about this person even though I made the choice to forgive them with n’ere an apology ever offered. 

The trauma this person caused me will take years to unpack and heal from. I am entrusting that healing to God. I wish them no harm and even pray for them, but I still feel disgust for them. It makes me think of a movie where the character asked her nemesis, “Could you ever find it in your heart to love me?” To which the nemesis responded, “How could I love a pebble in my shoe?” I have thought profoundly about that scene for years… I even thought it would make a great book title, should I ever get on the other side of disgust. “How To Love A Pebble In Your Shoe”…a how to book to offer pithy advice from “the other side” of trauma. 

That book idea is shelved in the recesses of my mind. It’s a NO for now. Lisa Terkeurst wrote a phenomenal book, “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget” and I have read the book and done the study and even led the study. She writes, “Once pain has been inflicted, it’s impossible to remain unaffected…So, what do I do with my pain? Acknowledge it. And what do I need to do with the feelings resulting from the pain? Own them as mine to control. Yes, the hurt was caused by someone else, but the resulting feelings are mine to manage. And I can’t manage feelings I don’t own.” (Page 30)

She goes on to counsel that we should say over each and every infraction, “And whatever my feelings don’t yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover.” She says this takes the pressure off of us to “feel” our way to forgiveness. “[We] only need to bring [our] willingness to forgive, not the fullness of all [our] restored feelings.” (Page 44)

Furthermore she says, “And progress with forgiveness can be hard to mark when the anger and confusion from being hurt don’t immediately go away when you verbalize a statement of forgiveness. But please know, not only is this normal, it’s part of the process…Forgiveness is BOTH a decision AND a process. You make the decision to forgive the facts of what happened. But then you must also walk through the process of forgiveness for the impact those facts had on you.” (Page 45)

And the grand finale to my husband’s ascertainment of my journey, “The decision to forgive doesn’t fix all the damaged emotions. It doesn’t automatically remove the anger, frustration, doubt, damaged trust, or fear. To work on those emotions, we must now start the process of forgiving that person for the impact.” (Page 47) There is no set amount of time that this magically disappears. The point is that we are honest with ourselves and acknowledge what we are feeling.

 And that is why there was a plant in front of their picture!