By Lisa S. Tarno

Am I alone in this feeling? I just do not like small talk. It seems forced, fake, and very uncomfortable. It happens at events, dinner parties, corporate parties and social settings where the main event either hasn’t begun or has just finished. Unless you find the right person that you instantly hit it off with, it can be laborious. My rule of thumb has always been just ask questions about the other person…most people like to talk about themselves…except when I meet someone who actually asks me questions. 

That’s my other thing…being interviewed. I get nervous. I sometimes don’t know what to say. Again, this might be shocking news to hear from those who know me and wouldn’t think I have these social anxieties. It really has been magnified at this time in my life more than with other times. I am somehow able to pull it off but not without unease. I literally can’t wait to get home, change clothes into something comfortable, wash my face and brush my teeth and just relax on my sofa. Ahhh, the feeling!

This happened the other night. I went to the “event”…by MYSELF! Yes, I was having a moment of being courageous. A couple of kindhearted people offered to save me a seat…I thought at least I had back up with that. As it turned out I saw a new acquaintance upon entering the building and asked if I could sit with her. She was kind enough to let me. The event happened. I enjoyed the event, but then the reality of the moment hit me again. I’m the new person in town. Though these people were all around me, they were still strangers to me. It’s a daunting feeling being new.

I’ve lived enough life to know it takes time….T. I. M.E… to build connections with people. The in between time is not for the faint of heart. I get it why most people would give up. It is not comfortable being the new person. It wasn’t even a comparison thing of seeing all the other beautiful friendships around me. It was the reality of we just moved away from all that we have known and built over the years to the stark blank page of life. In one way this can be exciting to start fresh but in another way it can be terrifying. 

This is good though….I want to be able to identify with others who are feeling this way so I can be sympathetic and a guide of sorts to help ease those icky moments. What I am saying is I am thankful to be in the middle of ick right now to figure this out… like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit the spot because it’s not in the right placement yet. I don’t have the answers yet but I have the motivation to find them and help others. That’s my heart…I’m a curious life learner, always observing and wanting to improve.

My heart goes out to others who feel just like this. Oh if I could give them an awkward hug right now…awkward because we don’t know each other. How do we do this relocation thing well? How do we find our people? How do we exit an awkward conversation other than saying we have to use the restroom? How do we deal with the tension in the moment of small talk when the conversation lags…Oh dear lord I’m giving myself the heeby jeebies just thinking about it. 

I am capturing these feelings in real time so that I can better relate to others who experience this as well. Normally, when I am feeling more established and known, these feelings don’t surface as easily as they have in this recent move to a big city. I am having to start all over and don’t have the common denominators of kids in school and sports and school activities to bond with. It takes incredible resolve to stand firm in the tension of being new. 

I think one of biggest things to help is to be a part of SHARED EXPERIENCES as much as possible. When I think back to my kids being at home, I was actively involved in their schools and volunteering as much as I could. You would meet others who volunteered as well and develop friendships. Now at this season of life it takes a little more work. Yes, I still volunteer but it takes time to get to know people. There still can be the initial awkwardness of starting up a conversation with a complete stranger. That’s why an activity is more ideal.

ACTIVITIES like a night of table games, Bunco, outdoor sports, bowling, hiking, Zumba class, Pickleball, golfing or something else athletic are great things to do because you are DOING something other than trying to force conversation. Coffee time or lunches are better after there has been some time spent together otherwise they can be potentially awkward if the conversation wanes. There are some times where it works out just fine because you connect easily with the other person, but on the whole, it’s potentially an encounter where social anxieties can happen. 

I clearly don’t have all the answers. I’m right in the middle of all of this trying to navigate my way around. I call it being in the thick of ick! It isn’t easy but I still do it because I know on the other side of the nervousness will be potential friendships and connections. I approach this much like doing exercise, it may be painful now but I keep the end result in sight. Hopefully all the small talk will lead to meaningful connections and feeling more stabilized in this new place.