By Lisa S. Tarno

I am reading now about the life of Job. What’s amazing about this God fearing man is found in the very first chapter when calamity is thrust upon him with his first four messengers of doom, Job’s response was to still praise God and have the wherewithal to keep a good perspective that “He gives and takes away but blessed be the name of the LORD!” I journaled that I doubt that would be my FIRST response but hopefully after much reflection and redirection of my thoughts I would eventually muster the correct way to think about the situation and God. It would take me a little longer!

Studying this is giving me insight how to be a better friend too. It’s obvious that his friends misinterpreted the cause of Job’s suffering and created even more pain on a confused Job. It seems that the one thing they all did correctly was to sit in silence with Job for seven days! (Job 2:11-13) That right there is worth thinking about as it is ripe with meaning! Our presence in someone’s life speaks more volume than our words especially in times of sadness or suffering. They modeled true friendship with staying by his side for seven days and nights. 

We don’t really know how our presence blesses another until we experience it for ourselves. Our words are clumsy and often rife with awkwardness so it is better to just be there and be silent as possible. I often catch myself when asking “How are you doing?” to someone who has been suffering. I then say, “Don’t answer that, I can only imagine. What I meant to say is I am praying for you.” I actually do pray for people and not just say it to say it. 

I have found in my time of suffering a miscarriage long ago that it was better for people to just step up and be doers rather than ask “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.” I knew they were well meaning but in the moment of pain, loss and suffering it’s hard to make decisions. I appreciated the friends who just acted as helpers for me in that time. Whether it was bringing a warm meal, or cleaning up, their action was very appreciated.

In fact, if we are to speak it seems beneficial to follow the one friend, Elihu’s example (Job32-37). He spoke truth about God’s character, as we all could use a reminder. He pointed out that God is both just and powerful and uses suffering to train us. These are all true statements. It showed me the importance of redirecting a friend’s focus on what we know to be true about God versus trying to understand the why of what may be happening. Can we ever really know for certain? Are we that wise? At best it’s conjecture based on our very limited understanding and at worst it does more harm than good. 

So the thought came to me today that when others suffer I really need to rein it in and not say too much…to let my words be few! From the very source of suffering, Job 6:21 says, “You,too, have given no help.” This was in response to the ill advised counsel of one of his friends. He further suggests [to us all] “One should be kind to a fainting friend” Job 6:14. Which seems to compliment Jude 1:22 in the New Testament “Be merciful to those who doubt…”. When people are hurting or suffering, we need to be extremely tender with them and help them regain their strength and eventually the right perspective. Love languages of “Acts of Service” and “Quality Time” seem to stand out as the primary ways to love a hurting friend during this time. (Five Love Languages-Dr. Gary Chapman) 

As we point out the true things of God’s character, we also should encourage the hurting friend to pour out their hurting hearts to Him as well. “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you.” (Ps 55:22) Job did this without cursing God in Job 6:11, “I cannot keep from speaking. I must express my anguish. My bitter soul must complain.” We have access to God to do this but more importantly we must help our friends with the eventual redirect of “YET will I praise God” and “BUT I will remember His goodness to me as well!” A great teacher once said, “Complain and REMAIN; Praise and be RAISED!” (Joyce Meyers) 

All in due time. For the immediate, our presence without words speaks volumes. The redirecting time will eventually happen but it’s important to give time and space for the hurting to process their pain and work through it to acceptance. In the meantime, we need to let our words be few!