By Lisa S. Tarno

So there is a lot of hype to forgive and forget, to be family, force reconciliation because you’re family after all….”Family is family and the only family you’ve got,” and so forth! There’s a lot of unhealthy expectations and wrong theology in the views that have shaped my family life passed down from my parents! They believed in false truths that they made true over years of believing the wrong things and never seeking another perspective or a godly perspective. 

I’ve been diligent about getting counseling, reading books and studying the Bible and getting good godly counsel over the years. In my family alone, they HAVE NOT! That right there speaks A LOT!!! I’m the only one who has stepped out of the forced perspective and erroneous worldview to seek TRUTH and to be SET FREE!!! 

To begin with, I am all about forgiveness. That’s Biblical, right and true. I take issue with the erroneous assumption that we are to FORGET. We are not God and nor do we have the ability to truly forget like it is assumed He does in Psalm 103. It actually says “[He] forgives all your sins…[He] has removed our transgressions from us…” Forgetting? It appears more like the choice to not dwell on errors of the past but are they truly forgotten? God is the perfect judge who knows our hearts. Nothing escapes His view. Only because of the blood of Jesus paying for the wages of sin does He look past our imperfections. 

(Romans 6:23) 

As humans, our brains record everything when working properly. When bad things happen to us we either deal with them immediately or file them in our mental file cabinets in the brain. We do not forgeteven if we put it out of our focus. So the well meaning phrase, “forgive and forget” is a way to placate relational turbulence. Some Christians misapply  Isaiah 43:18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past…” and Philippians 3:13, “…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” These are often misused scriptures when trying to advocate reconciliation in a strained relationship. I counter with Philippians 1:9-10 that our love may develop and grow with more knowledge and depth of insight, so that we are able to DISCERN what is best!! 

When people act a certain way, believe them! Actions speak louder than words! Actions reveal the character of a person. Actions over time show a pattern of behavior that no amount of saying the right things can overcome. It’s a well known fact in psychology that past behavior is good indicator of future behavior in a person. Our words can deceive but our actions reveal! We are what we repeatedly do and so forth.

So in my family there is my elderly father who, before he dies, is trying every manipulative angle in his book to reconcile his family, that he is partly to blame for blowing up, with a divorce from our childhood. There are relational mistakes that he has yet taken responsibility for but expects his adult children to amend. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have forgiven a sibling, but I choose to not reconcile because it is not safe or wise to do so. They are unrepentant, deeply disturbed, relationally unhealthy and need professional counseling. My adaptation of Phil. 1:9-10 lends to serious boundaries with this sibling for my and my family’s own well being. 

I have discerned that my father is jealous of his wife’s family dynamic of seeming cohesiveness and togetherness especially around the holidays while his family is fractured and a mess. I, too, have longed for a better family dynamic…but I have mourned what cannot be and have come to accept what it is. My father has at times manipulated the resolution of this problem by threatening to write me in or out of his will if this isn’t done his way…no matter the collateral damage! If not that extreme then at the very least, emotional manipulation of guilt trips or extreme disapproval! Do you see why I seek out counseling? 

I stand firm in guarding my peace and well being. I live with the tension of his disapproval and threats of being cut from his will. I find it childish and highly improper. I understand his desire for our family to just get along with each other, but when only one person is doing the hard work of counseling and self awareness, it doesn’t bode well for family harmony on the whole. I would never place that kind of heavy handed expectation on my sons to do if the situation was anything like mine. It would harm them…it seems like my well being isn’t of any concern to my father…just some fabricated and forced form of reconciliation no matter the damage it can incur!

So this hype to forgive and forget (erroneous) and the ideal of family harmony being the end all of things to aspire towards, facts be damned…I disagree…especially when the family is incredibly fractured and seemingly beyond repair. A lot of damage is done in the name of FAMILY! Why do you think there’s not a loss of people needing counselors and the beginning point of psychotherapy is talking about one’s family of origin? False beliefs get perpetuated down through family lines. Secrets and bad behavior get swept under the rug all to save face to the outside world. 

The hope is that prayer is powerful and effective(James 5:16) and as I seek to pray over my family daily, that hearts would change. That’s my hope but the reality is we are all given free will to choose how we will live, move and breathe. I hope for the best but I accept what is. I will not place me or my family purposefully in harms way to appease a family member’s desire for unity. If it happens, it will happen, but I will not force reconciliation attempts for the sake of FAMILY and rob my peace and sanity ever again. In the best scenarios, family can be beautiful and meaningful and enriching. That’s what I desire to create with my husband and sons and their wives, but I will not be shackled to the past of a dysfunctional family was family by blood alone.