By Lisa S. Tarno

“I feel like my life is like bits of confetti floating around and not landing,” I described to someone in a recent phone call. I’ve hit a point in my life where I am counting the cost of doing what needs to be done to be where I want to be and asking if that’s actually where I want to be? It’s an energy question. What energy do I have yet in me to accomplish big aspirations and where do I concede to what is actually doable? And by doable I mean, …that what I WANT to do!

Then there’s the matter of feeling all fluttery and living in the moment. It’s a fine balance of trying to plan, yet be flexible, to live in the present while still considering the future, wondering if a dream is just a dream or could it be reality and what exactly would that reality be? These are the pieces of confetti circling in the air of my life as of recent.

To be fair, I have had a lot to process with life and death. I’m in this tunnel of dying parents at one end and on the other end dire diagnosis and prognosis of dear friends’ health and wondering my own mortality at times. What is important to me at this point in life? What kind of legacy do I want to leave? What impact do I want to be felt? Where is my time best spent? Does anything need to change in the way I live my life? Does the brevity of life inspire me to do all I can do or cause me to shrink back and be miserly with opportunities?

I know what I would aspire to be but am wrestling with who I really am and what I am willing to do.  I mean, I’m really taking a serious look at what I can do and what I cannot; where I am gifted and where it takes more work; what I desire and the flip side of what it will cost; is it safe or is it risky? When you have lived a life that I have lived of bracing for impact, safety becomes desirable! Calm becomes coveted. Peace and quiet are luxurious. And though that feels lazy by a fast paced world’s standards, isn’t it okay to settle there? Perhaps that is who I have become?

I need to feel that it’s okay that when surveying my life I have had big accomplishments, created a legacy of family and friendship, am leaving the impact of love, light and faith, and have chosen well so far. Sometimes, I feel we can think those things are not as important as a platform, audience and income. It’s upside down. Because when the music fades, and the lights go down, when I really answer the question of what I have done with my life, it is actually good! 

The remaining questions are: 

1. Where is my time best spent now? My husband reflected with me and I surmised that what I have invested in relationships has yielded more than a fleeting bank account. I have time to take an evening stroll with my husband still hand in hand after 36 years of marriage. I have the time to have wine with a neighbor friend and watch the sunset with her from her golf course view patio. I even got to pray with her over a difficulty in her life. I have the time to encourage another friend given a dire diagnosis just this week. I have the time to talk to my grown sons and encourage them and let them know I love them. I invest in my daughter-in-laws relationships by sharing tips and tricks over this and that. I let them know I pray for them. And most importantly, I have the time to worship God at my piano and intercede for family and friends in prayers of thanksgiving and requests. I have time to write freely and post my inspiration as my intended gift to all who read. It’s from years of living and wisdom given from God above. I have time to write out lessons to teach and power points to illustrate when called upon to speak to people. I have the freedom to order my days the way I see fit and not be confined to someone else’s schedule.

1. Do I need to change some things in the way I live? I think the better word is adapt. As I age, I need to adapt to the changes in life, energy and time. I value health and relationships so I do the things that make them better. I become a better interpreter of the times and adjust where I need to. I make it my motto to be flexible while still having a free flowing plan of sorts. I try to bend with the winds of change.

1. And, do I still approach life with inspiration to do more or to do less? I find that I am wiser to count the cost!  I find value in that I am a human BEING vs a human DOING! Not many people can be comfortable in silence or with their own thoughts. I can be. I fill my home with serenity and peace with music and flowing water from fountains. I crave PEACE and thereby create the environment for it. I have lived with enough chaos that at this point in life, I choose that no more. So even though my life is full, it’s not a frenzy of activity rather it is purposeful interactions.

So hidden in the blur of confetti is the aspiration to publish a book or two. Maybe I do and maybe I don’t. It seems to me that it will have to fit into the flow of how I choose to live my life. I choose relationships over aspirations. I choose peace over chaos. I choose balance over frenzy. If it works within those parameters, then it will be. If not, I have lived a successful life so far!