By Lisa S. Tarno

A simple yet very effective relational tool was impressed upon my heart. I call it the conflict conversation equation. It is simply asking myself before having a crucial conversation with someone three things:

1. Is what I want to say necessary?
2. Is what I want to say beneficial?
3. And will what I say actually change anything?

There are many things we can say to point out truth to another but not all people can handle the truth. As we process through a situation that has caused us disappointment, hurt or confusion it’s good to write things down to get it all out…on paper. The question then becomes of that information what is truly necessary to share. It may be true but is it necessary?

Necessary is in the eye of the beholder perhaps but it also involves a chess-game-like move to anticipate how it will be received and what the other party will do with the information. Necessary feels like completely venting all the truth we see in a situation to get it out there on the table. That can feel incredibly cathartic. However, our words can become weapons that inflict more pain on an already hurting person who errored in the first place. The adage that “hurt people hurt people” comes to mind. We may feel like we need to correct this person and speak truth. If we are in some sort of authority over them this may be true, but in general with our relationships this is not the case.

The third part of the equation is to ask if what we say will actually change anything? This can alleviate a lot of what we say. The truth is we cannot change someone. We can hope that by shining the light on certain areas we are in conflict with will bring about some sort of self reflection and ultimate change in the other person but it’s all hope. Nothing is for sure how the other person will respond. So what do we risk?

If we are at an impasse in the relationship anyway, speaking our truth will be cathartic and may or may not be beneficial but most likely it will detonate a bomb to the bridge of that relationship. Maybe that is all for good if it is one that is unhealthy on the whole. But, generally speaking we want to salvage relationships that still have a heartbeat. 

Maybe we should begin our processing with the third point of asking, “Will what I say actually change anything?” It kind of cuts right to the chase. This happened to me recently. I have often prayed that God will give me His grace and wisdom each day. I want His grace to accept what is and His wisdom to choose what’s better and be what’s better. He reminded me of this prayer, I often pray,  and to accept and apply His grace and wisdom in my relationship with a certain person at this season of life. 

I have often instructed my boys when they were younger to employ Philippians 4:8 to their words, “Is it kind, true and beneficial?” …then proceed…. If not….stop! They would often say it was true…but I told them it had to pass all the parameters to be said. The wisdom of this passage is not lost on my own interactions. What exactly connotes if something is beneficial anyway? To whom is it beneficial? If it is only about me venting and getting it off my chest and I feel that is beneficial but it leaves someone else in my wake totally devastated, is it then beneficial? Obviously, no!!

This is how I was redirected by God. I realized that by reminding this person of their short comings and less than ideal mindset that it would probably not change anything. Instead it would have the potential of hurting them. God was nudging me to accept what is…to accept the way they are since I have no control to help change them. I can carefully share my feelings on what happened and what I desired to happen instead and work from there to evaluate how to proceed in our relationship.

Asking good open ended questions was a start: 

1. What do you want from our relationship?
2. What do you envision our relationship to be? 
3. What do we need to tweak to make it work better?
4. How can we continue to get together and what does that look like?

By eliminating the excess words that potentially have the power to harm, the conversation is more direct and to the point without a laundry list of complaints. As far as dealing with the actual facts of what led up to what, that may never be a conversation to be had. Would it change anything? I understand that the facts caused disappointment, pain or confusion.  Who better to bring that to than God?

I decided to entrust God with my hurting heart complaints and completely tattle-tell on whomever because really, He is the ONLY one who can deal with the other person and heal my heart. I may never hear from them what I want them to say, you know, common sense stuff like, “I see what you’re saying and understand…” vs being gaslit with “I’m sorry YOU feel that way”. I may never hear, “You know, I WAS wrong in that situation and I take responsibility for my words, choices and actions. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.” Nope, it’s rare when that level of honesty actually happens. 

Just like Jesus on the cross when he cried out to the Father to “Forgive them for they know not what they do,” he never got their cognizance, confession or plea for forgiveness. No, He forgave them without ever hearing an apology or ownership of sin. We, too, must wrap our heads around this radical kind of forgiveness. It’s for our ultimate good.

In closing, may we all pray for God’s grace and wisdom in our relationships. We all need more grace to accept and love people for who they are and where they are at. Sometimes that love will be from a distance, but ultimately love them enough to keep praying for them. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t ask for God’s wisdom. I need it! Obtaining His wisdom requires a discipline to pray and ask for it. His Word says that if we ask for His wisdom, He will give it to us. It may not be instantaneous and it may take some time. It’s better to not rush a conflict conversation anyway and it’s better to keep our words few.