By Lisa S. Tarno

A friend of mine keeps coaching me to live free of having expectations on anyone, but in particular a relationship that is taking up a lot of emotional energy as of late, I hear what she says and it sounds like a good action plan but I admit it hasn’t fully taken hold. I can’t seem to exactly conceptualize it.

I have questions. To live with some level of self respect, there seems to be at least a reasonable amount of common decency, respect, safety and what I will allow in relationships that act as an expectation. Am I to throw those out the window too? (Or so an extremist would think)

I’m just throwing this around in my head because that’s what I do. It’s part of my contemplation to go to the extreme of the suggestion and work it back. At some level, we still need to have some sort of expectation we place on the essence of self respect. I’m not going to let someone mistreat me and continue to be in relationship with them. There’s a code of kindness, politeness and respect that is my silent code. I’m not going to throw those out in the quest to live expectation free of people. That answers the extreme end of my continuum of thought.

In one sense, I think what my dear friend means is for me to discover the freedom of living with more grace in my life. Grace for myself and grace for others is important to factor in. I admit, I don’t offer myself much grace therefore, is it no wonder my grace tank is at a deficit for others? My daily prayer as of late is that God would fill me with His grace, mercy and wisdom. (I lack in all three areas). I specifically ask for grace to accept what currently is: in life, in relationships, with people’s quirks. I definitely need His mercy to flow through me to be able to overlook what is offensive and not be personally offended. (Side note: I think the whole world needs this right now! We have become a society that is overly triggered and quick to cancel anyone or anything we don’t agree with!)  I take my cue from Proverbs 19:11, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” 

I have chewed on this verse for YEARS!!! I memorized it a different way, “It is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense. In his wisdom, he learns patience.” I have worked this verse into my life for years because I have a perpetual offender in one of my relationships. I would sincerely ask, “How does one OVERLOOK an obnoxious, perpetual offender who has no bandwidth for self reflection to change?” Nothing has changed with that person, but I have changed. It started with boundaries and having a measure of appropriate expectations of how I will be treated. Mercy in action in this particular case is to choose to not address or speak truth or confront this person any longer because it is first, futile and second, not worth my energy. Sometimes, overlooking an offense does mean to take a different path as to not encounter said person. Depending on the relationship and you, sometimes the relationship is worth salvaging and because of something beyond their control, (say early onset of dementia) you lovingly overlook and choose not to take anything personally about their behavior. 

My last attribute to daily pray for in that set is God’s wisdom. We can be assured that when we ask God for His wisdom, he will give it. (See James 1:5) Specifically, I ask for wisdom to know what to say and what not to say. See my other article about the Conflict Equation in my blog. This is specifically written with much more detail. I also ask that God would season my every word with salt and grace, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:6  To be seasoned with salt simply means that whatever we say should be savory enough to foster further communication.

But to truly live expectation free of others involves a deeper understanding and root system. This comes from first fully understanding that the creator of the universe, God, loves each one of us lavishly. Look at Ephesians 3:14-21 to contemplate this for yourself. I pray that I would be able to grasp the enormity of the love of Christ and the truth to comprehend and understand that love which is obviously stated as being “beyond our knowledge.”  If I can fully understand this love, God’s Word says that I will be filled to the full measure of God. What this means is I can live freely and not bound to needing anything from anyone but God! This, …this is the essence of living without expectation. We fully understand that our every need is taken care of BY GOD…not others. We can LET GO…

Our eyes can finally be opened to Psalm 62:1,2 and 5,6 that “our souls find REST in God alone”! Think about it. If we go to God with all our neediness…we therefore are less needy with others! How delightful does that sound? I strive for this in my life! I want my God to be my first and foremost so that I can simply enjoy my relationships with other people and not be at the whim of being perpetually disappointed. I can release it and deep down know that God will meet my every need! Can we really live without expectations (aside from the common decency and expectations of self-respect in how we allow others to treat us)? Yes! I believe, in part, we really can if we dig deep enough to realize the truth in God’s Word!