By Lisa S. Tarno

Do you ever hear how you are answering someone’s question and think even as you are speaking, “I’m depressing myself over this answer!” ? How do we script our lives better to answer questions about things we’d rather not talk about? I mean, we do want to be honest, but honestly, the truth can be too much! 

I come from a broken family. By today’s standards it would be considered a typical dysfunctional family where there is divorce, estrangement, depression and other things to muddy the water. It makes me sad to disclose to people when they ask about my family that I came from. It’s incredibly broken and there is little to look back fondly on. I was thinking about how to better answer curious people’s questions. “I don’t really want to talk about it?” Then they might be even more curious at what I’m hiding. Or do I gloss over the nitty gritty and just call it pretty? 

I have decided to live my life differently than what I grew up with. For the most part I am joyful and have a good outlook on life. I purposefully work at being this way and try to do everything opposite of what was modeled.  But when I recount what I came from, it’s like a heavy weight on my mind and heart. There’s just so much that is nutty and not right. It just makes me feel disappointed with so many things. That’s what I am processing today. I can hear myself reciting the answers to questions and I don’t like the answers although they are truthful. Maybe my answer should be, 

“My parents did the best they knew to do?”

As I reflect, I try to be thankful for the good things that were present. I am thankful that my parents gave me life and raised me in a safe environment. I am thankful for my church upbringing that has been my utter salvation both eternally and in the here and now. I am thankful for having a place to live, clothes to wear, food to eat and medical care when I needed it. My basic needs were met so really I have a lot to be thankful for.  They were as encouraging as they could be and a lot more positive than some other family members who showed a sharper tongue and judgmental attitude. There’s not some insidious horrible thing that happened that I am hiding, but just broken down relationships. How does one deal with that kind of disappointment? 

For the longest time, I have been focused on raising my own family and tending to my marriage and commit to it not being cast in the generational wake of divorce like so many in my family. There’s a common theme of relational breakdown in my immediate and extended family and I want to run as far away from it as possible. We have worked hard to resolve conflict in a healthy way and to talk openly to each other. We have tried to model to our sons what a healthy marriage looks like: one that is full of love, joy, affection and respect. Fortunately, my husband and I are celebrating 35 years of marriage so far! I am thankful for that!

How do I change the narrative on what I say about my family of origin and from there how do I process the disappointment in a healthy way? I have worked hard on forgiveness but there still is the lasting impact that I am left with all these years later. It’s that very IMPACT that I wrestle with. Then it dawned on me that this is a situation we all can relate to and need to have the necessary tools to recalibrate: Let me introduce the tool of Whack A Memory! WAM! We all have stuff that happens to us in life and we can either dwell on it and be miserable or WAM it and live productively and hopefully with more joy in life.

First I know it’s important to acknowledge what I am feeling: sadness and disappointment. I rightfully am allowed to feel this but I don’t want to STAY there. Maybe I need a good cry…or journal entry…and definitely pour my heart out to God. That is step 1 for WAM.

How do I move past this feeling? I move past this feeling with step 2: DETERMINATION and RESOLVE. Yes I acknowledge what happened. I conclude it was not right. I then become determined to focus on what DID work out okay to even the good stuff that happened in my life. I search for it like looking for hidden treasure. I set my mind THERE so I don’t take the temptation to wallow in self-pity. I become determined to thank God for rescuing me from that life and into the life I now lead by choice. I can’t change the past! But, I can RESOLVE to make changes for a better future. 

This is where my spiritual training comes in so relevant to general psychology. Step 3 is insight that God has given me over the years. I know to do what the mighty 5 says in the Bible to do: 

1. )Take every thought captive: Mind my mind! (2 Cor 10:5)

2.)I know to set my mind and keep it set on things above (Col 3:2) 

3.)I know to think with the mind of Christ that I have been given (1 Cor 2:16)

4.) I redirect my thoughts  to think on what is good, positive, excellent, and worthwhile (Phil 4:8) 

5.) I choose to accept the peace that only God can give when I look to him as it says in Isaiah 26:3, “You will keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee [whose thoughts are fixed on you!]”

It takes DETERMINATION and RESOLVE to rise above the cloud of bad thoughts. We all have them. No one’s life is all roses and sunshine. Yes, the disappointment will probably always be there but hopefully it will diminish over time and with proper attention to building newer, more positive memories and hopefully they will replace the other ones. 

A lot of it will be what I choose to think about. Therefore, I choose to not DWELL on the past…I can’t change it…it is what it is! My newer narrative to focus on and recite when asked about my family of origin is to say with much grace, “Despite all the imperfection, they made sure to let me know I was loved.” I will be given the opportunity again and again to be sad and disappointed. That’s why having good tools at the ready helps me recalibrate quicker each time. Meanwhile, I have chosen to forgive them and release it as I embrace each new day as a gift from God.