By Lisa S. Tarno

Sometimes it is better to not say much at all…especially when you are processing the hard stuff in life! A counselor once told me that. It’s like the larvae stage of a caterpillar…messy and not beautiful…but then the butterfly. In this larvae like stage of grieving and asking God questions, one of which is about His timing, grace and mercy, there’s not a lot of good things to report in my thoughts…I am wrestling….thus the larvae! I’ve discovered some not so good things about myself, my beliefs and God’s ultimate control. I conclude that I am definitely a sinner in need of His grace! There is junk in my heart that needs to be dealt with! Best to process with God and dodge any lightening bolts in the meantime!

I am one to be completely honest with others, to my detriment at times. I open up the conversation to be “shoulded” on! You should do this…or you should do that… (Don’t should on someone!) I tell it like it is. However, there’s not always merit in my bluntness. I have had friends checking on me which I deeply appreciate but I find it difficult to answer the well meaning question, “How are you doing?” Another friend wisely said to me there’s a better question to ask, “What are you doing to take care of yourself?” Ahhh….see that’s a much better question to ask the heavy hearted, grieving friend! 

I am going to be completely real here. When someone is grieving the heavy stuff in life, there is a sense of being so overwhelmed that it literally paralyzes you! I am living in that reality right now. Just doing the simple daily life stuff is so taxing and things don’t get done like they should be. Everything seems to be so monumental to accomplish…like even making the bed! Yes, I cast my cares on God but it’s not stopping my hair from falling out! Stress has a funny way of showing up in our bodies! Then the hairbrush becomes stressful! Or just the heaviness to do the next thing… I now can empathize with fellow grieving people. I wait for this chapter to come to an end but as long as my mother struggles with dementia and is now in hospice,  I grieve for her every time I am with her. I am reduced to tears and plead to the God who is in control to have mercy and take her home to be healed! It’s just too much to bear!

I willed myself the other day to do the next best thing. If you ever have seen the movie, “What About Bob?”, it’s one of my favorites! He does “baby steps” to deal with his issues in life. Well, I baby stepped my day: made my bed…check; organized a kitchen cabinet…check; swept my patio from the recent dust storm…check; (these were all things I had some control over) turned OFF the tv…check; read something inspirational….check; prayed….check; and then took a nap! John Ortberg once wrote in “The Life You’ve Always Wanted” that sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap! I concur!!

There is a natural pull in these times to isolate. I understand this feeling. Partly it is because the heaviness doesn’t necessarily make you a lovely person to be around, even if you try. And partly it is because even though your life is heavy and dramatic right now, being around others in a different season shows you that life goes on no matter what you are experiencing. Not that you want people to join your misery, but at the same time, you don’t want to be around overly jubilant people. It just seems rude…or insensitive…even when it isn’t. It’s silly to think that people just need to stop having fun because you’re not having fun…but it’s the deceptive feeling and thus the pull to isolate.

My husband lovingly pointed out the red flag of isolation to me today. My comments had been to him that I don’t feel like being around a lot of people lately…they’re just too peopley! He knows this is NOT me…this is the grief talking and he encouraged me to take steps to enter back in slowly. The tendency in this time to become quieter than normal…to phase out of life….to recoil. An element of it is healthy in the processing of negative thoughts for you certainly don’t want to spew the larvae on others, but if it lends more towards isolation as a new habit….it’s a warning to do something different. So I made plans to go to a movie with a friend. I plan to golf with some others next week, for golfing will help me grieve something else…like my golf skills. I plan on going to church and worship God who still sits on the throne even though I wrestle with things He allows. I am willing myself to do the next best thing! Baby steps!

In the meanwhile, I know that even though life stinks right now for this season that God is still good and seasons change….sometimes very slowly but they change. This is the essence of offering a sacrifice of praise to my God even when I don’t understand His will and timing. He is still worthy of my praise.