By Lisa S. Tarno

I took pride in the title I gave myself long ago. No career outside the home really appealed to me as much as being the best mom I could be. So I gave myself the title of CEO of Domestic Investments and if asked about my “business” I could confidently claim that I worked with things that yielded the highest return. Truth! I set out to be the best mom I could and certainly had my failing points but on the whole I feel I accomplished my assignment well. Though this is all good on the page, there’s a fine line of it becoming my identity when it’s really only an assignment.

Enter in the empty nest stage of life. I have learned that in this season there is something called “transitional grief” that some may experience. It’s the not the readily recognized grief. This kind of grief consists of changing seasons and relationship dynamics. It’s barely acknowledged. You don’t get sympathy cards or casseroles for this type of grieving. Instead you carry it quietly. You push down the grief and chide yourself to get over it already. After all, it very much looks like success that you have raised your kids well and they are out on their own. Success! Right?

Inside you are grieving not being needed as much anymore. There are gaps in the information you receive and rarely do you get the full story like you once did. The holidays take on a different tone with work schedules and adding in new family dynamics as they get married and are pulled in various directions. The closeness you hoped for that would naturally develop is different,  perhaps even distant and because of that it still feels like a real loss even when it isn’t recognized as such. It’s not talked about, rather it is quietly endured.

I earnestly asked God to help me see what I wasn’t seeing in this season to help me better adapt and retain my joy in life. The sadness was beginning to overtake me and I needed perspective. He showed me two things that I am ruminating on. The first was out of the few mentioned women in the Bible, Jesus gave a stern warning (Luke 17:32)to remember Lot’s wife (Gen. 19:26). One look BACK that forever calcified her. What could I extrapolate from this? It’s a warning that in order to move forward in life and what God is calling us to, we cannot fixate on what once was. When part of a particular assignment is completed, like raising our kids, we must not be stuck in time or fashioned to that as our identity, in order to do the next assignment in our lifetimes. Sometimes we can be advancing in body, yet anchored in spirit to the past. This conflict of the attachment to what has been completed, has the power to calcify us making the transition into a new season more difficult if not impossible. 

Okay, was I really doing this? I thought I had released my sons to the world and cheered them on with each new milestone of achievement. The ones who found their spouses and married them were warmly and genuinely embraced into our family. Yet, there was an aspect of my life that felt missing and incomplete. It was quieter than I expected. Moments together were less than what I hoped for. I was no longer needed like I was before. I was unaware of many of their happenings in life, big or little, now that they were on their own. I might hear a condensed version or after the fact, but the closeness we once shared was palpably different. Inherently, I knew this was normal and to be expected, but it still resounded with deafening silence.

The second illustration was from a devotional by Susie Larson which said in part, “[There’s] a time when God ‘reduces’ us, prunes us back, thins our lives, and reminds us once again that we are not what we do, we’re someone He loves. Yet so often, grief, disappointment, and disillusionment accompany us into this season. But they don’t stay with us. Eventually the sharp pruned edges stop hurting and they actually heal. Our hearts begin to beat again. Our souls start to thrive again. And we remember once again that any gift from God’s hand (even children) pales in comparison to truly knowing His heart….Remind your soul that God is with you here. He’s doing a deep work in you. And soon you’ll know wholeness and fruitfulness you never imagined possible.” 

The word that illuminated in my mind upon reading this was identity. The question I sensed being asked was, “Has motherhood become your identity?” Did I somehow turn my glorious assignment into my identity and now that the role has changed am I floundering? I wondered, “Isn’t it a noble thing to aspire to being a great mother and be family focused?” The short answer is, “Yes”. Yes it is noble to aspire to doing anything well in life, but when I let it take preeminence over all things, it borders on making it my idol…when my fixation is attached to that. I border on convoluting an “assignment” with my very identity and as this devotional points out, I am not what I do…simply I am someone He loves. 

Therefore, it seems that I need to relinquish my role to God. He entrusted me with mothering these blessings of children but  that assignment is completed. They are raised. They have successfully flown the nest. My role is more of a mentor, should they want it, but definitely an encourager. I have to settle in my spirit that I am a human being not a human doing as another teacher taught me. My identity is never meant to be found in what I do but rather in who I am in Christ. I am no longer the CEO of Domestic Investments. Those investments have matured and are reaping benefits they were meant to incur. 

The last stage of the grief cycle is acceptance. This is my battle too. Accepting what I cannot change. Accepting what is. At times, it seems to elude me. I know I’ll be at peace once I accept all these things, but then situations arise and I’m drawn back in. It is something I literally have to take to God in prayer often. 

Father God: Thank you for the blessings in my life that come from Your hand. Thank you for the gift of children to raise into adults. Help me choose to release my previous, God given role of CEO of Domestic Investments to You who is King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I need to entrust their further development into Your very capable care. Help me to rest in that truth. Help me to remember that my identity is only found in how much You love me and I am Yours. Thank you for revealing that to me and giving me the right perspective. Keep reminding me of that. Reveal to me what You have next for me to do with my time left here on earth. May my eyes and heart be open to what You want me to do next. Help me to live in the joy and peace You offer me and to accept the things I cannot change and only You can. In Jesus Name, Amen.